A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work
cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy
young
woman entered. She was so striking that the man could
not take his eyes away from her. The
young woman
noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly
toward him.
Before he
could offer his apologies for being so rude,
the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything,
absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter
how kinky, for R100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted,
the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what
you
want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment,
withdrew
his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted
out five R20 bills, which he pressed into the young
woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully
said, "Paint my house."
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Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when
suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared
in front
of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the
smoke cleared, the astonished congregation
saw a red
figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.
Immediately, panic set in. People
crowded through the
doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away.
Satan watched the
retreat with great glee, but his mood
was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably
in his
pew.
"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.
The man's reply was nonchalant,
"Sure I do."
Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your
sister for 35 years!"
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A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent
damage he suffered was the
loss of both ears, which made him very
self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from
his
insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and
purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he
had no business knowledge
at all, so he decided that he would have to
hire someone to run the business. He picked out three
top candidates,
and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was
always the
same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice
anything unusual about me?" he asked the second
candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found
the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How
did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if
you don't have any freakin' ears."
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A young man sits down at a bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want six
shots of Taquila," responds the young man.
"Six shots!?" says the bartender, "Are you celebrating
something?"
"Yeah, my first BJ," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the
bartender, slapping him on the back, "let
me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds
up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots won't get
rid of the taste, nothing will."
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A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when
a gust of wind swept some
dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the
guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper. Nodding,
the zookeeper explained that pulling down your
eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation
didn't
make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased
two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his
pants, he hurried
to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up
his bag
of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on
a party hat. The gorilla looked at
him, reached through the bars,
grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached
out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then
the man picked up his
knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The
gorilla
looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the
man, and pulled down his eyelid.
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A prostitute goes into a bank to deposit a R 100 note, the teller tells her that the note is fake.
"Oh my goodness", exclaims the prostitute, "I've been raped!"
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An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After
about six months together, the woman wasn't
feeling
well and she went to her doctor.
The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs.
Jones, you're going to be a mother."
"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the doctor,
"This morning, I would have
said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a
medical miracle."
"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the
office. She walked down the hall and
around the corner
to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.
"Hello,"
she heard in his familiar halting voice.
She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband
answered, "Who's calling please?"
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Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in
Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction
was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And hows Mrs. O'Donovan,
didn't I marry you
two years ago?"
"You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No,
not yet, Father."
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light
a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again.
"Well now,
Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are
you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And
tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins,
and four singles--ten in
all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said, "And how is your
lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody
candle out!"
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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one
of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry
what is your problem?"
Harry answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is
in the third
-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the
third-grade
too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office. While Harry waited
in the
outer office, the
teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The
principal told the teacher he would give the boy a
test and if he
failed to answer any of
his questions he was to go
back to the
first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry
was brought in
and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the
test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a
third-grade should know. The
principal looks at
the teacher and
tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him
some questions?"
The principal
and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four
of that I have only
two of?
Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that
you have
but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such
a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with
a T, is hairy,
oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the
answer, Harry was
taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a
woman do sitting
down
and a dog do on three legs? The principal's
eyes open really wide
and before
he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who
am I" sort
of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles
inside me. You
tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with
me when you're bored.
The best man
always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding
Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not
well, I drip. When you
blow
me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip
penetrates. I come with a
quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts
with an 'F' and
ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and
told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last ten
questions wrong
myself."
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A man walks up to a female colleague in his office each day. Making a
point of standing very
close to her, he draws a deep breath through his
nose, pauses, smiles, and tells her how wonderful
her hair smells.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer.
The woman marches into
her supervisor's office, tells him about the
"hair
thing", and that she wants to file a sexual
harassment suit against the
man. The supervisor is puzzled, and struggles to understand what
the
problem is. He asks her, "What's sexually threatening about a man
telling
you that your
hair smells nice?" The woman screams, "He's a DWARF!"
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